Mood:  sad

Personality Disorders

Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, doesn’t really sound bad. It’s on the edge, the borderline. We haven’t crossed over to Personality Disorder. It may not sound bad, until you read the symptoms. It’s even worse if you suffer from it. Let me go through some of what I experience.

Mood swings happen constantly. Sometimes it only takes one word. I can be happy as a lark one minute and deep in depression the next. I’m easily angered. Going from an ‘up’ state to a ‘down’ can happen in a split second. But it can take hours to go in the other direction. This pendulum lifestyle mot only affect you, but also everyone around you, family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers you are next to out in public.

You don’t realize or recognize it at the onset. All you know is that you get uncomfortable when you’re shopping. You notice it when you’re anywhere there is more than one person even. It’s called social anxiety disorder. Everybody is crowding you. Standing in one place doesn’t help. Moving doesn’t help. You pace. You look for a place to hide. Your mouth is dry. There is no escape. Every nerve in your body is on fire. You can’t scream but you want to. Once back in a safe, controlled environment it can take hours to wind down.

Any of this sound familiar? Then let me add another bombshell. It only gets worse. Untreated it will cost you in friends, and relationships. Once past the age of fifty or so, it will change faster

Posted by theessaywriter at 9:48 AM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  sad

Living With Speed

The speed limit on the curve sign says 25mph. I know I can do it at 50. You thought this was about drugs, didn’t you? It isn’t. I learned how to drive at a very young age. Then when I graduated to cars, I found the accelerator. I know there’s a brake down there someplace. But if those folks put all that power under the hood and at my disposal, shouldn’t I use it?

I was a teenager in the sixties. This was the age of muscle cars. We never learned slow. I learned more than speed. I learned my car. By this I mean I learn, with any car I drive, what it can do and where all the parts are at any given time. I know where my right mirror is in relation to everything around me. I can drive within inches of objects on my left or right side. This requires one other ability, good peripheral vision. It also requires the ability to trust yourself behind the wheel. Unfortunately this is just about the only belief I have in me.

Why do I drive so fast? I do it to keep up with my thoughts. But, when my day, my life, is falling apart, I have to out-drive my thoughts. The faster I go the more I have to concentrate on my driving. I go fast enough to ensure my only thinking is concentrated by the lethal bullet now under my control. I’ve never gotten behind the wheel at a time I could possibly lose that concentration. That is when I’ll go as far as I can through a six-pack or case of beer. I don’t drive when I’ve been drinking. This situation has only occurred twice and only justified once. I know how fast I can drive. It is almost guaranteed if ever a time comes that I feel the need to drink heavily then drive, it will be a one-way trip.

This is not a self-doomsday prophecy. I have too many reasons, kids and ladies to prevent it. But it will be a woman that drives me to that point. I’m not speaking of anyone in particular. I’m just saying only a lost love brings out those emotions.

So let’s get off these sad topics and back to the fun part. Driving at high speed has the same thrill as a ride at an amusement park without having to stand in line. Taking curves at double the posted speed is a challenge. But, I don’t automatically go twice as fast as posted. I judge how the car is handling at the faster speeds. The road and traffic also has to be considered.

My driving faster than most is always done safely. I will not do any high speed driving with anyone else in the car. I learned, as a teenager, how to control a vehicle. This was done on the ultimate test bed, gravel roads. Once this was mastered, I took on gravel roads in the winter. By the time I was in a position to drive the freeways in Chicago, I was ready. High speed driving isn’t for everyone. But it is the way for me.

Posted by theessaywriter at 9:46 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  blue

Rainbow Dreams

The kaleidoscope turns and a picture emerges. It is a place you’ve been to before but there is something different. You follow a familiar path. But things aren’t quite the way they should be. You seeing a life you once had, but under better or worse conditions. As you walk the path you see how a few simple changes could have altered your destiny. Upon awakening, do you remember the changes needed to help you lead a better life?

Another nigh, another turn of the kaleidoscope. You find yourself meandering through an enchanted crystal forest. Which part are you playing? The princess looks for her prince charming. You are the white knight setting off to free the land of dragons. The scene shift and you are the prince. Go stealthily for the wicked Queen is out to prevent you from meeting your future wife.

Another turn, another…. Blackness!!! Then suddenly a flash followed by the deafening sounds of explosions. You find yourself in a war zone! Don’t move until you see where you are. Does anything look familiar? Have you been here before? This is not a dream, it is a nightmare. Find a safe place and ride it out.

It’s getting close to bedtime. Watch something funny, or read a good book. Prepare yourself for what the next turn brings. Listen, the stones are falling in place. Where will it take you tonight?

Look, you have a choice of paths, each a different color.

The closest path is red. What exciting adventure will we find waiting? Rose petals line the way. Look! A cardinal. He’s not afraid of you. Hold out your hand. See? He’s not heavy. Listen. He’s talking to you. This is not an ordinary path. Even the scent of cherry blossoms is there. The path is narrowing. As the cardinal flies away, step off this path and return via the orange one.

Aha! This is the home of the tiger lilies. An orange and black cloud is just ahead. Slowly step forward. It’s not a cloud but is instead thousands of monarch butterflies! They were providing cover for an orange furred stuffed teddy bear sitting on a pumpkin. In front of you, is that a tiger leading you to the end of the path? Time to go the other way again.

Uh oh. Grab your shades. This one is bright. Daffodils and carnations lead you down this lemon-scented path. Careful! Don’t step on the ducklings. Is that a windmill? No, it’s a sunflower. Hold out your arm. The canaries span the entire length. An arrow is pointing to the end. Now that is different. A beeline of bees!

A field of mown grass awaits you. Trod gently upon the soft texture. Croak! There are many little frogs in the grass. Even the little grass snakes seem friendly. Hear that? Up ahead, yes, it’s a parakeet. He likes to sit on your shoulders. The grass is getting thinner. You’re approaching the end.

Step cautiously it looks wet. Ah, a calm sea you can walk on. No dampness but it looks like it should be. Your path is lined with bluebells. Blue jays and bluebirds are circling overhead, occasionally scooping up a blueberry. You would like this cloudless sky to go on forever but the end is in sight. Step now into…

The endless night. Jupiter rules this indigo path. This then is the path of serenity. On this indigo slice of the palette we expect the twinkling of stars and see none. A martin flutters up in front of you. Under and around your feet roll Concord grapes. It is almost surreal. The scene is of the night, yet your vision is as clear as the brightest of days. It is in this dazed state you approach either morning or the end of this path.

Upon your first step on the next path the aroma of lilacs beckons you. You have entered an oasis of violet beauty. As you silently walk, the slow waving of a butterflies gossamer wings tickle your ear. Mexican heather borders the path. Pansies, petunias, and African violets abound. But alas, the end of your sojourn approaches.

Another turn of the   kaleidoscope is coming into view. But this is not a scene. It’s a mirror. Use this to reflect back on your travels. Things aren’t always crystal clear. Nor are they so forbidding to only cloak themselves in black. Your world, your life is multicolored. Go forth through your days with the memories, the sights, sounds and feel of Rainbow dreams.

Posted by theessaywriter at 7:20 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink

Mood:  hug me

Words

The American language is one of the most confusing. One word can have several different meanings, depending on the context in which it is being used. To complicate matters, a word can change in meaning when spoken because of vocal inflections. A good example in written language is the word ‘mean’. To ask for a definition, one asks, “What do you mean?” To say someone is not nice, “He is so mean to me.” but one can say someone is good at something as in, “She plays a mean game of pool.”

Four words, when written mean on thing but can change drastically when spoken. Again, these are also context driven and can be interpreted both ways if properly extrapolated. Tell someone in words, “I love you too” and you probably are returning a sentimental emotion. Tell someone that during a pool game and your vocal inflections Imply sarcasm. In other words, you’re telling your opponent thanks for not giving you anything to shoot at.

It is very easy to read a word, a sentence and give it the wrong meaning. How often do we fall into the trap of sadness or anger when reading someone else’s words only to find out it was read incorrectly? How often do we hurt others by not saying something clearly?

That is only part of the problem. We often read things between the lines or alter the meaning of a phrase based on our personal background or by knowing the writer of those words. We see a definition and we get sad or angry with whomever penned the phrase. Yet by simply asking for clarification, we could save ourselves a lot of emotional turmoil. We don’t because in our mind, we read what we thought the other person meant.

Misunderstanding the words of others can be a painful lesson on both sides. One must learn to write in such a way that this situation is avoided. It is not easy. We must learn to choose our words carefully.

Posted by theessaywriter at 8:22 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  sad

Best Friends

“You’re going to hate me, I just know it. But I respect you enough to tell you.”

What the person told their best friend doesn’t matter. Nor is it gender specific. What matters is that one friend made a mistake serious enough to derail the friendship. But the value of this friendship gave them the strength to own up to the error. Friendship is based on trust. Obviously the stronger the bonds of friendship, the deeper the trust.

That trust, once violated will not destroy the bonds of friendship. Owning up to mistakes is the first step in forgiveness, of rebuilding bridges. With trust at full strength, distance is not a factor. But the bonds between only friends is much more fragile. Something as simple as refusing to help a friend with an easy task can shatter these bonds beyond repair.

So what makes best friends so special? Is it because when you have really good news, you have someone to share it with? is it when your world is crumbling, you have someone to console you? A best friend shares, with the same degree, your happiness. But when something or someone pulls the rug out from under you, your best friend is there with the biggest and softest cushion to help catch you.

One comment that pops up every now and again and usually just from males is that best friends must be of the same gender. Males cannot have females as a best friend. That statement, in its entirety, is totally wrong! To hear someone say something similar is to have met a macho type male.

To find a best friend, you have to be one. It takes someone very special to be a best friend. Across these bonds pass the most intimate baring of souls. Best friends often know each other better than they know themselves. Then there is the ultimate category, extended family.

It is this category alone that the bonds are virtually indistinguishable from biological ties. Extended families would, in many cases, lay down their life for the other members. When speaking about an extended family member with someone else, it is done very reverently. This category of best friends is very rare. For those fortunate enough to be in this category, love, cherish and nourish each other often.

Posted by theessaywriter at 9:03 AM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  hug me

Kids with Difficulties

Under any circumstances, being a kid is hard work. There are so many things to deal with. Early on the children learn the rules of the home. It starts with how to speak to parents, evolving into keeping the bedroom picked up. There are rules of who a child may speak with and often, when to speak. Then they start school and a whole new set of rules comes into play. Now there’s the teacher’s rule, peer pressure and soon, homework.

Add to all of the above, emotional disabilities. Some of these are controllable with medication while others cannot be. Unfortunately, even though medication is available and diagnosis possible, it all too often takes a long time, if ever. Let me explain that better.

Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD is the most common of the emotional disorders. This is often used as a catchall diagnosis that isn’t always correct. By doing that, the real problems may not be discovered for years. ADD and ADHD symptoms are very similar to another disorder that is harder to properly get diagnosed. This is because doctors do not like to brand children with the label of bipolar disorder. By not accepting this possibility, full diagnosis isn’t performed and treatment not offered. The child loses.

Even when bipolar is medically recognized, too many parents refuse to accept it. Thus, no treatment is given. Instead the child may or may not receive medication for ADD/ADHD and keep getting in trouble when he/she ‘acts up’. The only way to prevent this is education.

If parents, medical personnel, and teachers knew more about bipolar and ADD and could understand the differences, maybe a more correct diagnosis could be made at a younger age. There is no cure, nor is it anyone’s fault, that these disorders happen. But, correct diagnosis and proper treatment gives these children a much better chance of a happy and productive life.

Posted by theessaywriter at 7:38 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  happy

Aftermath

”See mom, that strip of red proves there is a Dairy Queen for fish!”

The Cedar River is a quiet body of water. It flows through the middle of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. There is an island big enough to house the city government buildings. Sometimes snow runoff up north and/or rain brings the water up to flood level. But the seawalls and levees are designed to a height to protect everything from these annual high water levels.

Then came the Spring and Summer of 2008. No one knew the water could get that high. The island disappeared. A railroad bridge with a string of loaded cars collapsed. This created an artificial dam. Add to the mix the fact that it rained enough to make Noah proud.

At its height, it all but covered the Dairy Queen on First Avenue. That opening statement is not an exaggeration. There was, at most, two feet of its famous red roof above the water line. This business is five blocks from the river on the west side.

The damage was extensive. Here is a very short list.

Main Library: At least eight feet deep on the main floor. It’s one block from

                      the east side of the river.

Clark Gas Station: A partially filled tank broke through the concrete and

                      floated away. This business is located five blocks away on the

                      west side.

Major furniture store: Water to second floor, located right on the east side

                      river bank.

County Jail: Located on the island, will take a year to repair. It is less than

                      ten years old.

Mercy Hospital – Water covered first floor. Building had to be evacuated.

                      It’s located nine blocks from the river on the east side.

8,000 – 9,000 buildings have to be razed. There are broken windows and doors in all the downtown buildings. The buildings are standing but otherwise it looks like ground zero. There were few if any fatalities, little or no looting.

Maybe by next year, it will again look like home. Cedar Rapids now knows the effects of a slow tsunami. This flood exceeded the cities five hundred year plan. The previous record flood level was 18.0 feet. This year it hit 32.0 feet. We got wet.

Posted by theessaywriter at 1:21 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  happy

Religion – A Treatise

[Warning: This piece is not for everyone.]

“Do not push your Bible, your God, on me. I do not believe as you.”

“Preach to me of your love, your God. I want to learn more.”

Which of these statements is true? Which statement has the most meaning? The individual in statement one indicates a closed mind. Individual two displays a willingness to learn. Both of these individuals may be Christian. But their supreme being goes by a different name and their tome of reference uses a different title. However, it begs the question, does one have to be a Christian to believe in a God? Conversely, does God require a person to belong to a religion?

The answer to both is a resounding no. God is not a physical entity that demands obedience. The supreme deity, by whatever name he/she be called, is the light from which all emerge. This darkness we call life is softened by the gentle hand of light we call God. This supreme deity resides within all of us. It is by our faith that we evoke the true meaning of the one true God.

The hand of man wrote the Bible, Koran and other religious tomes. In the original, God may have guided the hands of the authors. Years of interpretation and misinterpretation have drastically altered these texts. There is no way to retrieve the originals. But we don’t have to. There is another way. It’s called Faith.

Faith is not magic. It is the ability to believe something for which there is no scientific proof. The most powerful statement ever issued was; have faith, it will work out. One does not have to be a Catholic or a Muslim to have faith. But it takes almost super human strength to have faith at our darkest moments. Trust in God, your God, and all will happen for the best. We all have our doubts when we do not get the answers we expect. But if your faith is true, history will prove the best solution was given.

It is, by far, affairs of the heart that our faith is most severely tested. Who among us have not lost a mate and prayed for that person’s return? Too many have died as a result of a romantic rejection. A few have gone to extremes by renouncing their faith and resorted to violence. Those that retain their faith look back upon the rejection and realize destiny and God had other plans for them.

Neither faith nor God has anything to do with monetary or physical possessions gain. God is the power within all of us to live a spiritual and truthful life. Faith is our ability to follow through. Our desire to enrich ourselves financially is not based on faith nor is it a gift from God. Our desire to help others without expecting personal gain is true faith. Life is unpredictable; do you know where your faith is?

Posted by theessaywriter at 1:20 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  happy

Friends

“You did what?!? I hate you!”

“I’m sorry. I had to put him in his place. Nobody puts down my friends!”

True friends do watch out for each other. Does friend one really hate friend two in this opening scene? No, it was just a reactive statement. A true friend is not only there when you need them, but even when you think you don’t.

Those that only profess to be your friend do not offer support. All to often they are a friend until you do something that upsets them. These are the ones that do not understand forgiveness. This is the class of friends that are the most dangerous. They pull you in, pat you on the back and throw you away like last weeks fish.

It isn’t hard to tell the difference. A true friend is someone you can trust. It is a bond that you will feel. A true friend forgives you when you do something wrong. This is the person that will share your darkest and saddest moments. True friends cry together and laugh together. Fair weather friends walk away when you cry. They know not empathy for others. They will hurt you and will walk away. Your pain is meaningless to them. A true friend feels your pain. If they are the cause of this pain, it hurts them many times as much. Nothing short of full forgiveness eases this pain. I know, I’ve been there.

Then there is a special class of friend. These are the rare breed called extended family. It is the highest honor to accept or be accepted as a member of a family. There is nothing common about these people. it is this class and this class alone that earns the accolades of associated with sainthood. Extended family members are platinum in its purest form. By comparison, a diamond is just a lump of very old coal. Extended family members are angels on earth. They are very rare and I for one would willingly give my life in defense of my extended family.

Posted by theessaywriter at 1:18 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink

Mood:  happy

The Words We Live By

It is by the words of others that we live or die. It is the words of the Bible that gives us our morality. From the poets we find romance and our politicians give us the word of law. But, we must ask ourselves, what are these words, really? Do we heed the words of the Bible and slay our enemies? Do we let the poets lament soothe our ravaged heart? Is the word of the law set in stone?

These are the words we have, but must they be all there is? We as humans have the power to change the words, to reshape our world, with the words we use. We must choose our words not for how we hear but to fit well into the ears of others. We must write of truths that cannot be heard as lies. Our words of love must not throw spears of hate. We write of law, but are we seeking injustice?

The words we use must be simple enough for all to understand. The structures of our sentences must be uncontroversial. Do we say love, but display fear? The picture we paint with the words of our minds must display the purity of our heart. We are the owners of these words, but we must give of them freely.

As sentient beings we function physically based upon the sounds around us. The only sound with more power than the words we hear is the silence of the ones we don’t. Go not silently into the darkness, but use the words of truth to bring on the light. Our words are our life. Let us use them wisely.

Posted by theessaywriter at 1:17 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink